http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/Fri, 10 Sep 2010 03:49:59 +0000en-USSquarespace Site Server v5.11.81 (http://www.squarespace.com/)agendalieberlieberAndrew SprungSun, 30 May 2010 21:42:54 +0000http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/2010/5/30/in-defense-of-the-matt-lieber-agenda.html435603:7913145:8827409 Lately, the cable news pundits have been ablaze with talk of this so-called “Matt Lieber” issue. I feel that it is my personal responsibility, as well as my civic duty, to set the record straight on a few misconceptions about this particular subject. *Who is Matt Lieber?: (Following excerpt taken from Hercules Kneeled: The Unauthorized Biography of Matt Lieber by Dr. Cornel West) This is a valid question. Many of you are probably quite curious about just who this enigmatic figure, this man of men, truly is. Let’s start with the basics. Matt Lieber was born to Lord HovenLieber, the wealthiest landowner in all of North Havenbrook, and the Duchess of Duphendorfer, Catherine Zeta Oppenheimer. Lieber was raised in a strict Lutheran household until both of his parents were killed by a freak electrical fire. On Lieber’s 18^th birthday, he inherited the family empire and began a campaign to better all of mankind. While some see his methods as extreme, depraved, and “demonstrating that Lieber lacks even the basic structure of that which makes up a soul,” others-notably Lieber himself-have stated that his long term goal of a unified monetary system and elimination of laugh tracks from sitcoms will benefit all of man. Lieber is identified differently throughout the world. Here is a helpful guide to know how to properly address him in various regions: Germany: Orange Lazarus. Poland: The Thoroughbred of Sin. Oceania/Idaho: Dr. Drake Ramirez. Chicago: Kid Minneapolis. Brazil: El Chupacabre Prussia: The One Who Bleeds but will not Die. Denver: Marc Leiber. Redwood National Forest: Mr. F. South Africa: Vincent Van GO! (emphasis needed for proper pronunciation) Hotlanta!: Welshy. Tokyo/Osaka: Matt Lieber (said sinisterly) *The So-Called “Matt Lieber” Agenda: I want to reassure my fellow Americans that all my actions have been for their benefit. While many call into question my repeated use of the word “bonerific,” I can guarantee that this is part of a larger plan. Although my detractors argue that I’ve lost touch with the common man in recent years, I believe that I still desire the same things that all, hard-working Americans want. Things such as a solid education system, a clean air and rivers, a secret unofficial police force to cart away undesirables in the middle of the night, and protection of our national parks. Now after that last statement, I know what you’re thinking: where are we going to get the money to ensure the beauty of America’s national parks? First off, let me guarantee you that we will not be diverting any money from the secret police force; they will have all the funding they need through defense budget provisions and a generous contribution from the Rand Corporation. Marginal tax increases on vices such as cigarettes and alcohol should be more than adequate to launch my proposed nature preservation agenda, ensuring that all future generations can continue to take in the beauty of the American landscape. All this can and will be done without having to compromise such other vital programs as highway repair and infrared motion sensors on all major intersections. I also plan to ensure that strip mining, drilling, and other construction will not be allowed in the future of our parks. Free trade agreements, competitive mineral deals with Canada, and abandoned offshore oil rigs being converted into reeducation camps may seem like they’re selling out the American economy to some, but preserving the majesty of nature is worth the price. Besides, when I’m camping in the foothills of Colorado with my family, I want to experience the beauty of nature and not the roar of industrial mining camps or the ugly spires of guard towers hovering over the barbed wired electrical fences to keep in dissidents. Pundits will tell you that my parks agenda is too ambitious and will cause negative economic effects on the country at large. Let me state clearly that this agenda will only benefit us in the long run, and once Operation: Cold Saber is in effect, everyone will be made to see this. *On the accusations of pedophilia: I have done my best to distance myself from this controversy, as I am convinced it was a simple misunderstanding that was fostered into a scandal by irresponsible media outlets to discredit me. For the record, I was in that park for purely personal reasons and was no where near any children at any given time. Furthermore, that child climbed into the back of my windowless van on his own accord, and was not lured there with the promise of candy. Also, the candy present in the storage space of said van was purely for personal use. I understand the trepidation many of you must feel with the proposed changes coming, but if you can’t have trust Matt Lieber, who can you trust? After all, was it not William Jennings Bryan who said, “In a world full of depravity and destitution, the only things man can have faith in are the goodness of their fellow man, and Matt Lieber.” I have faith that once the public at large gives me a chance, the restored grandeur of America and the partial frontal lobotomies given to an estimated 5% of the populace will prove that Matt Lieber is a man of the people.]]>http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/rss-comments-entry-8827409.xmlLifebus ridecrazyhomelessAndrew SprungSat, 29 May 2010 05:08:52 +0000http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/2010/5/29/bus-people-are-insane.html435603:7913145:8827408httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypfnm3nvBe4]]>http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/rss-comments-entry-8827408.xmlDenverLifeliberalsobediencesilenceAndrew SprungSat, 29 May 2010 03:24:54 +0000http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/2010/5/28/matt-lieber-must-be-stopped.html435603:7913145:8827407
Side note - Matt Lieber is in fact NOT crazy]]>http://www.datayoucanthandle.com/matt-lieber/rss-comments-entry-8827407.xml